 Healing Tools
By Kim KubalHere are a few of the healing tools from Part 4 of my book, Your Strength to Heal , which discusses various therapies and healing tools:
Therapy
When searching for a therapist, it is wise to interview that therapist before making a commitment to therapy. One can ask questions such as:
•
Are you taking new clients?
• How much do you charge and do you take sliding scale?
• Are you an LMFT, LCSW or PhD?
• How many years have you worked as a therapist?
• Are you in supervision?
• Have you worked on your own issues and for how long?
• What are your spiritual beliefs and how do you view a Higher Power?
• How many years have you had working with ritual abuse survivors?
• What type of therapy do you use?
• What other forms of self-help do you suggest for survivors?
• What lengths are you willing to go to for your patients?
• How do you deal with suicidal feelings or behavior?
• Do you take emergency phone calls?
• Do you have a back-up therapist?
It is important to ask each therapist the same questions. A survivor needs to feel safe and comfortable with this person and one can also have an initial session to check out how the therapist and client interact—a “try-out” period.
Secondly, a survivor needs to list the characteristics they must have in a therapist (e.g., good listener, supportive, nonjudgmental, unconditionally loving), and remember that therapists are just people, they have strengths and weaknesses and a “perfect therapist” does not exist. A survivor must also realize she/he has options in choosing a therapist and they are in charge and not powerless.
Thirdly, a therapist who has experience dealing with ritual abuse, dissociation, programming and mind control, or is open and willing to learn about these conditions will help a survivor feel they are in good hands and that they can put their trust in that therapist and work through the healing of ritual abuse.
After interviewing various therapists, either by phone or in person, it is then important to trust a survivor's own intuition, and allow the inner child and parts to have a say. Getting feedback from a friend who is objective, can offer advice and has no agenda can help in the final decision-making process.
Women's centers and rape crisis centers are good avenues for survivors to find therapists, or for referrals to therapists, as these centers are often more connected with sexual abuse recovery or trauma. In choosing a good therapist, one can also ask survivor friends for referrals.
It is vitally important that a therapist should have good boundaries, never act inappropriately nor have sex with a client, or ask one on a date. It is very important that the therapist not blame a client for what happened. A therapist should never use physical force, threaten with physical force or use shame, humiliation or scare tactics toward a client.
“If you decide to report a therapist's unethical and illegal behavior, there are four different ways to do so. Each option has both strong and weak points. You may choose any one or all of these options:
• Administrative Action – file a complaint with the therapist's licensing board.
• Professional Association Action – file a complaint with the professional association's ethics committee.
• Civil Action – file a civil complaint.
• Criminal Action – file a complaint with local law enforcement.”
(Booklet titled Professional Therapy Never Includes Sex by the State of California Department of Consumer Affairs).
Taking Care of Oneself
Taking care of oneself means exercising, eating healthy foods, eliminating addictions, getting a good night's sleep, staying present in one's body and letting go of abuse and abusive people. This also includes learning to set healthy boundaries, saying no when needed, and not feeling responsible for another person's feelings or actions. This is a process that begins with self-love.
Journaling
Writing to vent anger can release repressed feelings and can also help a person to better understand what they are feeling at that given moment. Writing letters to the abusers, but not always sending them can help the survivor get in touch with the rage and why this happened to them. Another way of releasing anger is writing all the incidents of the abuse that happened, dealing with those feelings, and then with witnesses, burn the writings outdoors.
Reparenting and Learning to Love One's Inner Child/Parts
Since survivors were never shown love growing up in an abusive home, it is important to establish a loving healthy relationship with one's inner child/parts. Survivors treat themselves how they were treated in their family of origin. They have no idea what unconditional family love is and nothing to compare it to.
Viewing good parenting tapes such as John Bradshaw's family tapes can help with this, as well as reading good children's literature such as the Ramona series. This gives a better perspective of a normal family upbringing.
A survivor can learn to have fun in the playground, in the sand pit or on the swings which helps the little child/parts know they're cared for and loved. Listening and supporting them establishes trust and lets them know they are not alone anymore and are loved.
Anger Work
Venting the anger with a bat, tennis racket or pillows by oneself or with the help of a therapist releases the rage and frees up one’s energy, so that the rage does not turn inward or outward. By doing this work i.e. by holding the bat over the head, inhaling and then screaming, grunting or whatever words come forth, the person can ultimately feel strong and powerful without anyone being hurt. Continual expression of one’s rage eventually leads to deeper bottom line emotional pain where full emotional expression and catharsis can take place.
Grief Work
Grief work is allowing the tears and grief to surface from the years of abuse, lack of love and a life never lived. The survivor can do this work by themselves or choose a therapist or caregiver with whom they feel safe and vulnerable to allow the grief to surface. It can be helpful to visualize a Higher Power comforting and loving the person while grieving. Releasing the grief allows the survivor to heal on a physical, emotional, spiritual, psychic level and frees up one's energy. Over a period of time, the survivor can then open up to love, being loved and loving others.
Recovery Books and Survivor stories
Reading recovery books and survivor stories helps a survivor feel less alone, and hopeful that a productive, meaningful life is indeed possible. Survivor stories can also give inspiration and provide useful healing tools.
Nature
Learning to be present in one's body and in nature can be healing and nurturing whether it is seeing a beautiful lake, watching a sunset, hiking, swimming or feeding the birds. One can come away from a beautiful scene with gratitude that one is not alone and has survived such horrendous abuse.
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