Steps in the Healing and Grieving Process for Survivors of Ritual and Sexual Abuse
by Kim Kubal

This is a unique set of steps for survivors of ritual and sexual abuse as they go through the intense experience of healing from severe trauma. Please note these steps do not necessarily follow in this order, and vary with each survivor. Typical spiritual questions are in parentheses.

1. DENIAL (God, this isn’t happening to me)
   This is characterized as shock and disbelief. Survivors are taught from an early age they won’t be believed which feeds directly into their own desire for it not to be true. Then the reality and shock of the abuse starts to permeate one’s entire system and shatters one’s world view, familial ties, relationships and relationship to oneself and one’s environment. Added to this dynamic, is the fact that there is little or no community support. This stage can produce severe forms of anxiety, nightmares, flashbacks, intrusive sexual feelings and thoughts, loss of appetite, compulsive eating. Emotional distress can cause distractions such as addictions, self-harm, dissociation, keeping busy.
   
   
2. ANGER (God, where were you when this was happening?)
   Outward expressions of anger can cause hostility, rage, explosive behavior or turned inwards can cause depression, fear, self-mutilation. Guilt/self-blame (God, if only I had….. I wish I could have ……)
   
   
3. BARGAINING (God, I’ll do anything if you make this go away) Buying time to accept the reality of the situation.
   
   
4. DEPRESSION (God, I don’t care anymore)
   Feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, withdrawal from friends, family, society in general, loss of pleasure, avoidance, extreme anxiety, preoccupation with death, panic, confusion, fearfulness. Depression can cause the survivor to self-medicate through addictions and self-harm in order not to feel. Survivors take on the responsibility for what happened and blame themselves.
   
   
5. GRIEF (God, I can’t handle this pain)
   The survivor starts to experience the many losses associated with abuse – loss of a safe childhood, loss of love, loss of friends and support from the community. Grief can again cause the survivor to self-medicate through addictions and self-harm.
   
   
6. ACCEPTANCE (God, I’m ready for whatever comes)
   The survivor’s personal identity and belief system becomes integrated and the survivor finally lets go of the past, including working through the memories. The survivor becomes an empowered individual with deep compassion for oneself and others, who can overcome any of life’s obstacles and challenges.