I am a ritual abuse survivor of three satanic cults, and have been in therapy and recovery twenty years. I publish articles on ritual abuse and speak in colleges and groups educating people about sexual, ritual abuse and addiction.

I am a native Australian and immigrated to the United States in 1984 when I married a U.S. citizen. My marriage lasted only a few years. My physician husband became more and more emotionally abusive as a result of his increasing alcoholism. After our divorce, I attended recovery programs and entered psychotherapy to turn around my own self-destructive behaviors. From years of self-examination, I finally realized my marriage was an escape from ongoing victimization by various members of my family starting in early childhood. I have memories that as a child and teenager, I suffered sexual and emotional abuse, and physical torture, including satanic ritual abuse (SRA).

"Looking good on the outside" and unquestioned obedience were the rules to which my family adhered. I grew up living fearfully, alone and withdrawn, and wanting to die. Because of my years' long victimization, I was incapable of saying "No" to any request and blamed others for my actions and behavior. In essence, I had no self-esteem and hated myself.

Living in the USA after my divorce, I realized I needed to build a hopeful life for myself, and that meant that I had to let go of my family and start over without them. I felt completely alone. I descended into a deep depression with suicidal impulses for five years.

Growing up in a rigidly conservative, Catholic environment and victimized in countless ways, I had distorted and conflicting messages about God, the Catholic Church, and authority figures. During my life before recovery, I hated God for abandoning me to the abuses of others, while hating myself for my powerlessness to escape. Once my recovery began and self-esteem increased, I felt the need to have God in my life, yet remained helplessly confused about His/Her nature and role. With the help of a spiritual counselor, I began to change my concept of a Higher Power and now have an unconditionally loving God in my life.

Although I had recovered from many of my behavioral problems, I remained deeply depressed and chronically exhausted. I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Additionally, I suffered from migraine headaches, depression, panic attacks and allergies. I applied for and received Social Security Disability, and did not work for three years. I slept most of every day and awakened the next morning exhausted. I dragged myself to recovery meetings and psychotherapy, but did little else. It was too taxing to read or watch TV. Even listening to music was overwhelming. I had to live truly "one day at a time."

In the course of my psychotherapy, there was one technique which opened up my mind, heart, and body to releasing repressed memories and their accompanying pain: EMDR therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). As a result, early childhood memories of the satanic ritual abuse surfaced. Despite weekly therapy sessions, the struggle to heal from the horrific past seemed endless. I wanted to give up and die many times.

Ever so slowly, my healing began to take root. The anguish from remembering lessened each month. My vitality increased. My stamina to be productive increased. I started volunteering. I returned to full-time work.

My recovery program continues. My weekly psychotherapy continues. I have more loving, nurturing friendships. I have overcome Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, migraines, panic attacks, and allergies. I am now at a far healthier, empowered point in my life, emotionally and physically which I never could imagine reaching in the past. The caring and empathy I received from others in recovery programs and therapy, I practice on myself and give to others in distress.

I continue volunteering as a Twelve Step sponsor and at holiday soup kitchens. Volunteering fulfills my need to serve others and helps keep my problems in perspective. Also, I am an activist and contributing writer against ritual abuse. For years, I have held the vision of founding a healing clinic and trauma center for survivors of abuse. The Center will be a supreme haven of love, compassion and wisdom.

Through many years of therapy and recovery from childhood abuse, hopelessness, bodily pain, I have learned that a life of joy and meaning is attainable. Present life challenges decreasingly trigger childhood events and emotions. Most mornings I now awaken feeling alive, closely connected to my Higher Power, and at peace with myself. There is a light at the end of the tunnel!